Everything I Touch
by NYPDBosco
Summary: Bosco's thoughts as he stares at the blackboard at the end of Superheroes Pt. 2
1. Default Chapter

Everything I Touch  
  
*****  
  
After watching the show tonight and realizing it's going to be a long time before I see another new episode I just needed to write this. I'll continue it later…I think.  
  
Thoughts after Superheroes Pt. 2  
  
Bosco's Point of View  
  
*****  
  
  
  
"You wanted to see me Boss?"  
  
"This doesn't add up."  
  
"What doesn't?"  
  
"I'm trying to get this straight for the CO," Lieu points at the blackboard. "This is you. Right? This is Yokas. These are the guys shooting at you. This is Ross."  
  
"Yeah, I think that's right."  
  
"If the guys are shooting this way at you. Who shot Ross?"  
  
I look from the blackboard to Lieu, and back to the blackboard. It can't be. I draw a line with my eyes from the position of Faith's RMP to mine and Ross's. I quickly glance at Faith's line of flight from her squad to where she met me behind the SUV. No way. It couldn't have been Faith. But there's no other explanation. At least not right now.  
  
Without a word to Lieu I walk back into the locker room to get my jacket. I gotta get outta this place. I need to get as far away from here as possible. I'm on my way out. I'm walking past the command office. The lights are off except for one; the one just above the blackboard. I didn't want to go back in there, but something drew me to it.  
  
I'm standing here alone in the semi-darkness of the command office with my arms crossed staring at this diagram. I retrace my steps. It's still so fresh in my mind it's like I'm back there on that street with the bullets flying past me. My heart's pounding as I think about it.  
  
Faith saw me run. She covered me, so did Ross. I know Faith ran from her RMP to the SUV because she got there just after I did. She had her gun drawn, and she reloaded with a new clip. So, she had fired her gun. Of course she did. She was covering my ass.  
  
There were three perps in front of the restaurant. I see them marked clearly on the blackboard. I don't know who shot which one. I just know they were shot. I was too busy running through the hail of bullets to look and see what was going on.  
  
According to the diagram Ross shot this one. I point at the board as I run the situation through my head. Faith shot this guy. I point at another x on the board. Once again I retrace Faith's path from her squad.  
  
She was running, and shooting toward the perps at the same time. They were shooting at me; she was covering me. Ross was on the other side, but was he in the line of Faith's fire? If she missed or shot wide would it have hit Ross? Wouldn't he have been behind the squad?  
  
God. Did Faith kill Ross? I'm still staring at the board. None of this makes sense to me. I can see it. I can see how it could happen, but did it? Did Faith accidentally shoot Ross?  
  
The more I think about it the more I try to figure out a way that it was someone else. Maybe one of the perps turned and got a shot off at Ross. Maybe it came from inside the restaurant. Hell, maybe Ross shot himself. He was pretty freaked out. I was pretty freaked out.  
  
Could he have shot himself? Was it suicide? He said he'd been to counseling before and told them what they wanted to hear so they would clear him. Maybe he was so messed up that he thought it was the only way he was going to get out of it. God I don't know.  
  
But what happens if it was Faith? She was only doing her job. She was covering me. Her glory-hog partner. Well, we weren't partners today, but once my partner always my partner. Could Faith have been wrong in her actions? Why did she protect me? I was such a jerk to her. I don't deserve her. I thanked her for being there today. I seriously think she has a lot to do with me still being alive.  
  
God, everything I touch lately… 


	2. Chapter 2

Everything I Touch  
  
Chapter 2  
  
*****  
  
I just had to continue this story. I love trying to get into Bosco's mind!  
  
*****  
  
"Boscorelli."  
  
I jumped. Startled by the voice. Startled by the realization that I'm still standing here in front of this damn blackboard. "Yeah." I slowly turn to find Lieu standing in the doorway.  
  
"What are you still doing here?" He flipped on the lights, and came over to me. "You need to go home. Get some sleep."  
  
"You think I'm actually going to sleep tonight?" And they think I'm the crazy one. After what happened today I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep. Hell even now I can still see Ross lying there with all that blood. That's twice now I've seen fellow officers shot in the head. It's an eerie sight.  
  
But now that I've seen this diagram with everything laid out in front of me. With "evidence" that Faith may have shot my partner…my partner? What the hell am I talking about? He wasn't my partner. He was just a cop I worked with today cause I was pissed at Faith. Well, not just a cop. He was a good cop. At least from what I've heard. But she's my partner. Faith. No one else.  
  
How could I sleep at all tonight knowing what I know now? I can't go home. Not until I figure out who shot Ross. Someone other than Faith.  
  
"Bosco you still with me?"  
  
"Huh? Yeah, what?"  
  
"Let me have someone drive you home. You need to get some rest."  
  
"I'm fine. I can drive myself," I look back at the diagram. It's almost like the stupid thing is laughing at me. The longer I stand here the harder it is to find another explanation for how Ross died.  
  
I keep running it through my mind. I know I didn't kill him. I never fired my gun, but about twenty minutes ago I almost had myself convinced that maybe I did. Somehow. But my clip is still full. It wasn't me.  
  
As I stare at the diagram I try to see things unfold from Ross's position, but that's hard to do cause I don't know what he did after I ran out into the open. All I know is he shot a guy. At least that's what the diagram says. Oh, and I know he died too.  
  
Davis and Sully were in the restaurant. There's no way they could have hit Ross.  
  
Gusler…well, I doubt he even knows where the holster is on his belt. Not likely it was him.  
  
Could C-note or one of his boys have hit Ross? They were spraying bullets pretty good. They had enough ammo for a small army. God I hope it was one of them. Not that I wanted Ross to die. Not that I wanted him to be shot by a gang member. I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone. I mean, I'm just saying I hope it wasn't one of our own. That's what I mean.  
  
My head hurts from straining to look at the blackboard. Like if I look hard enough the answer will come to me. But I can't see another answer. All I see is Faith. Damn! All I see is Faith. "Did anyone else fire their weapon?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Shit. I quickly turn to face Lieu. I didn't realize I said that out loud. I forgot he was in the room with me. "Uh, nuthin'. I was just thinking out loud."  
  
"Bosco. The ballistics report will be back in a few hours. Then we'll know."  
  
I look down at the floor, and use my foot to trace one of the lines in the tile. I jam my hands into the pockets of my jeans. Oh God I can't ask him. I can't say it out loud, but I have to know. I have to know what's going to happen if it turns out Faith shot Ross. I can't bring myself to look at him.  
  
"W-w-what happens if…" I can't say it. I just can't.  
  
He knew what I was asking though. He always knows. He's good that way. "There will be an investigation. After that I don't know."  
  
We both turn back to the blackboard in hopes that the answer will be staring back at us this time. It's not. Damn.  
  
"It'll be OK Bosco," he grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the door. "Come on. Let's get you home."  
  
I don't remember the ride home. I just know I'm here. Man, I need a drink, but I don't think they make anything strong enough for this situation. Plus I don't have a drop of liquor in the apartment. That figures. That's my luck.  
  
I pick up the remote, and turn on the TV. It's some late night/early morning movie I've seen a thousand times, but I can't remember the title. I'm not really in the mood to watch TV, but I don't know what else to do.  
  
So, I guess I'll just sit here on the couch. I start looking around my apartment noticing things I've never really seen before. Like the crack that runs up the wall all the way to the ceiling. Wonder how that happened? Was that there when I moved in?  
  
I keep looking around my place. I don't decorate much. I've got a few pictures up, but that's pretty much it. No need to decorate. I'm the only one who is ever here, so it doesn't really matter what my place looks like.  
  
Huh, forgot I had that picture of me and Faith. It's in a wood frame on the bookshelf. I haven't really looked at that picture in a long time. I walk over, and pick it up. I smile when I thing back to when the picture was taken. It was Emily's tenth birthday party at the roller skating rink. We had a lot of fun that day.  
  
BANG! I drop the picture on the floor, and spin around in the direction of the shot. Damn. It was the stupid movie on TV.  
  
Shit. Now I'm thinking about the shooting again. I turn the TV off, and sit back down. There's a pen and an old envelope sitting on the coffee table. I pick them up, and draw the diagram that has burned itself into my memory.  
  
I've been sitting here for hours, and it won't be too long until I have to get ready for work. I really need to try and get some sleep.  
  
I think about Faith one more time as I pick up the picture I dropped earlier and put it back in its proper place on the shelf. I wonder how she's handling everything. She killed a guy today. Your first kill is always the hardest. I hope she's OK. How's she going to react if it turns out she shot Ross?  
  
I don't want to think about that. Not now. Not ever. I collapse on my bed still wearing everything including my shoes.  
  
It's my fault. I put her in the position she was in. I put her in that situation when I ran out to draw the fire, but I didn't know she was there. I couldn't hear a damn thing that came over the radio. It was so loud. Everything was happening so fast. Would I have run out there if I knew she was there? If I knew she would try to cover me? Yeah, I woulda. Cause that's the kinda cop I am. I don't think I just do.  
  
I put Ross in the position he was in too. It's my fault. God, everything I touch lately… 


	3. Chapter 3

Everything I Touch  
  
Chapter 3  
  
*****  
  
For those of you waiting for the next chapter of Paybacks: don't worry. I haven't ditched that story, but I gotta write this one while everything is so "clear" to me…yeah, clear as mud :o) I'm just having too much fun pretending I'm Bosco right now!  
  
*****  
  
It's one p.m. and my alarm is going off. Funny. I don't even remember setting it. I've gotta be in roll call in an hour and a half. I reach over and set the alarm for 1:30. That should still give me enough time.  
  
1:30 already?! Damn. I'm so tired. Yesterday took a toll on me. Goes with the territory though. I better take a quick shower. I gotta wake up.  
  
I stroll into the locker room. The clock on the wall says 2:20. Ten minutes to get dressed. No sweat. I really hope nobody talks to me right now. I'm not in the mood to talk. I don't wanna answer any questions.  
  
Wonder who's going to be the poor sap that gets partnered with me today. Maybe I should warn them about my bad luck. The bad luck that seems to be so contagious. Ma. Hobart. Mikey. Faith. Ross. They all caught it from me. Just in different degrees. Who's it gonna be today?  
  
"Hey Bosco."  
  
Dammit Sully! Can't you tell I don't wanna talk to anyone? Can't you read my expression? My body language?  
  
I don't bother to look at him. "What?"  
  
"I asked Lieu to team us up today."  
  
"You *asked* him to partner *us* up? Are you crazy? You hate working with me!" I'm being pretty harsh. I shouldn't have jumped on him like that. He had a rough day yesterday too. I'm not the only one. I gotta try to remember that.  
  
"Yeah, well with everything that happened yesterday neither of us has a partner. I'd rather work with you. Don't ask me why. I'm not sure myself."  
  
I have to warn him. Let him know what he's getting himself into. Give him a chance to save himself while he can. "Sully. You might want to rethink that."  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"I, uh, I seem to be passing on some pretty bad luck these days."  
  
"In case you haven't noticed Bosco so have I. Can't get any worse than yesterday can it?" Sully turned and headed to roll call.  
  
"Only if I get you killed Sully," I say quietly.  
  
I've got a copy of the Policeman's Prayer in my locker. After 9/11 they gave everybody one. I figured it couldn't hurt to hang on to it, but I keep it tucked away. I've got an image to protect. Can't have anyone thinking I'm a bible thumper or that I'm scared or something. Man, how bad is my attitude? How wrong am I to think that?  
  
I'm not really sure why, but I pick up the prayer card and put it in my jacket pocket. Right over my heart. I hope someday God will forgive me for all the screwed up things I've said and done.  
  
I walk into roll call just in time, and grab an open seat by Sullivan. Man he looks tired. Do I look that bad? My mind drifts to the short conversation we had a minute ago. "Neither of us has a partner." Davis. Damn. I'm such an insensitive bastard! I never even asked how Ty is. I've been dwelling in my own problems.  
  
"Sully," I whisper. He looks at me. "How's Davis?"  
  
He shrugged. "OK."  
  
I nod nonchalantly. Whew! That's a relief.  
  
The Lieutenant's voice interrupts my thoughts. "OK, be careful out there. Sullivan. Boscorelli. I'd like to see you in the command office."  
  
No! Not the command office. Not again. I can't go in there. That damn diagram. I can't start my shift off with that.  
  
Slowly we walk to the office, and once again I'm drawn over to the blackboard. I can't help but stare at it. I've gone over it for hours, and still all I can see is Faith. It's no different today. Nothing has changed. I look down at my shoes. Don't look at the board. Don't look at the board. Stop thinking about it. You have work to do.  
  
"Boscorelli." It's Lieu.  
  
"Yeah." Does he have the ballistics report? I don't think I want to know.  
  
"I want to talk to you and Sully about what went down yesterday."  
  
Please no. Don't make me do this again Lieu. Not again. Ross is dead because of me. Faith is in trouble because of me. What more needs to be said?  
  
I walk over to Lieu and Sully. "What?" I ask coldly. "What else could you possibly need to know?" I'm trying to act as "normal" as possible. I'm usually pretty cold. Right? Am I overdoing it? Lieu didn't say anything. Guess I'm OK then.  
  
I sit down across the table from Lieu. Sully's on my right. Lieu starts asking us questions. I can hear him talking, but I'm not listening to him. I'm looking just past him so that I can see the diagram. Not that I need to look at it anymore. I have it memorized. Right now I'm just staring. I'm not really seeing it. I'm not even thinking…just staring. My mind is empty of all thought. What a great feeling. I don't want this feeling to go away.  
  
"Boscorelli!" Sully nudges me as Lieu yells my name.  
  
I jump slightly. Startled out of my safe little world. "Sorry. What?"  
  
"I was saying the lab is backed up, so I'm not sure when we're going to get the ballistics report."  
  
"Right…right," I glance at Sully then back to Lieu. "Can we go now?"  
  
He sighs. "Yeah. I guess that's all for now."  
  
Sullivan and I get our radios, and head for the squad. "Who's drivin'?" I ask.  
  
"I will if you don't mind."  
  
"Knock yourself out."  
  
Man. I wish Faith was here. Sully and I got nothing in common. If we don't start a conversation soon I'm going to lose what's left of my mind. The longer the silence goes on the more I think about yesterday…and Faith. But what the hell do I say to him?  
  
"Uh, so Sully, how's the wife?" There. That should be a safe conversation.  
  
"She left."  
  
Ah shit! "Uh sorry. What happened?" Augh! Why did I ask what happened?! Now he's either going to be pissed at me, or I'm going to have to hear the whole damn story.  
  
"Bosco were you listening at all when we talked to Lieu?"  
  
Uh oh, Sully's pissed. "Actually…no."  
  
"We think Tatiana's son is the witness that can put away this Russian creep, but she's not happy with the way I acted yesterday. So she took her son, and left." I look at him. I hope he can see that I feel bad for him. "That's the short version, and that's all you're getting."  
  
I nod. That's fine. I don't need to know anymore. What I need to know is who shot Ross. I need to know. I don't know what I'm going to do if it's Faith. I really don't.  
  
Wonder if she has any idea? I wonder if she's even thought about the possibility?  
  
Feels like I've been looking out the window of the squad for hours, but it's only four o'clock. I can't take this. I can't handle sitting here in this car. I need air. I need to walk around.  
  
"Sully?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Can we stop? Walk around a little. I need some air."  
  
He's looking at me like I'm crazy. Why do people always look at me like that? "You feeling alright Bos?"  
  
"Fine. I just can't sit in this car anymore."  
  
"Yeah OK." Sully parked the car, and we started to walk.  
  
I don't think either one of us knows where we're going, but it's better than sitting in that damn squad car.  
  
We've been walking for about fifteen minutes. Neither of us has said a word. At the same instant we both stop. "Shit Sully," I whisper as I look at the street signs.  
  
"Damn. How'd we end up here?" he asks.  
  
"It's just around the corner," I say. But I didn't have to say it. We both know where we are.  
  
"Yeah," he whispers.  
  
I look up at him. I'm afraid to go around the corner, but maybe if I do it'll help me figure out how Ross died. I have to. For Ross. For Faith. For me. "You comin'?"  
  
He took a deep breath. "I guess."  
  
As soon as I see the restaurant with its windows boarded up I can hear the gunshots. I can see everything as if it was happening right now, and I'm watching it like a spectator. The memories haunt me, and I can tell they have the same affect on Sully.  
  
Together we walk to the corner outside the restaurant. "Sully, what was it like in there?" I ask quietly.  
  
"It was hell on earth. I went in…we went in to arrest the guy for assault. Next thing I know I'm on the ground, and bullets are flying by. I got my gun out, but I couldn't move. I was no match for them. It was so loud I couldn't call for help. I didn't know what to do. I didn't really know what was going on. I didn't know where Davis was."  
  
We walk back across the street to where I sat the day before as the scene was cleaned up. Sully continued as he stared at the ground. "When everything stopped I called for Ty. He was OK, but then it started again. The guy was in the restaurant. He was reloading. He started to spray the restaurant with bullets. Next thing I know Ty jumps up and shoots him. Then Ty asked if I was alright, and I was, but Ty got hit. He didn't even know it at first. Didn't even feel it."  
  
"Damn," I whisper. I swallow hard. "I'm sorry Sul." We sat in silence for a minute just looking at the restaurant.  
  
"What was it like out here?"  
  
I take a deep breath. "Hell on earth sounds about right. Ross and I were following C-note. I knew he was after the guy who capped his brother. We followed him and his gang here. We pull up, and they open fire. Ross and I just sat in shock. Then they saw us, and started shooting at the squad. So we scramble out of the car, and get behind it. We called for help. Right then we didn't even know you where here. Then I saw your RMP out front, so I radioed that in. Every time we tried to see what was going on we had bullets whizzing past our heads. Then it stopped. I was so relieved. I looked under the car, and they were coming toward us. They were reloading. They were gonna pin us, but I wasn't going out that way," I look toward the street, and begin pointing things out to Sully. "We were right there. C-note's SUV was there, and the guys shooting at us were right there. So I ran from the squad to the SUV to draw the fire. Figured it was the only way out. Ross covered me, so did Faith. She was over there," I point to the side street. "I didn't even know she was there, but she met me at the SUV. Then there was silence. It was finally over." I hang my head. "When I got back to the squad Ross was dead. I thought that by drawing the fire it would help protect him, but it didn't. I got him killed."  
  
"Bosco you did the best you could."  
  
"No, you don't get it. I screwed everything up."  
  
"How's that?"  
  
"Ross is dead, and it looks like Faith may have shot him when she was covering me. Friendly fire. If I hadn't tried playing hero he'd still be alive."  
  
"No Bosco. If they were pinning you in you'd both be dead."  
  
"But Faith wouldn't be involved."  
  
Sitting here at the scene is worse than staring at that diagram. Here I can see the distances perfectly. I can see the possibilities, but I don't see any other explanation.  
  
Why did I have to be the hero? Why couldn't I have taken my chances crouched behind the squad with Ross? Why did I insist on following C-note in the first place? It's all my fault.  
  
God, everything I touch lately… 


	4. Chapter 4

Everything I Touch  
Chapter 4  
****  
I should probably state that I own NOTHING! So don't go suing me or anything!  
****  
  
Sully and I finally made it back to the squad. I have no idea what time it is, or how long we were at the scene. I suppose I could look at my watch. It's almost as if time has stopped. OK, maybe not stopped, but it sure is crawling. All I know is at this rate my shift will end, and the rest of the country will be three months ahead! That's how slow it seems!  
  
I wish I hadn't come in to work today. I really thought that getting back out here was what I needed to do. Just hop right back into the job. You know like when you're a kid learning to ride a bike; you fall off and you get right back on and try it again. But today...today I just can't get into it.  
  
Hell, I'm riding with Sullivan. That's just not right. It should be me and Faith. Believe it or not I miss her. Our conversations, the teasing, the arguments. I miss it all. Why was I such an ass about the counseling thing? I know why. Cause I don't need it. I'm fine. Always have been. Always will be. I just wish I could have made her see that. I wish she would have realized that when I'm with her I'm not alone. Even if I don't talk to her. Hell, if I needed to I would.  
  
"Bosco. Bosco!" Sully was yelling at me.  
  
I look at him with the question "what" written all over my face.  
  
"We're here."  
  
What the hell is he talking about? We're where? I look around to see if our surroundings tell me anything. All I see are apartment buildings. That's not much of a help. I look back at Sully. He rolls his eyes.  
  
"The rape call," he leaves his words hanging in the air. Yeah, as if that helps me figure out what's going on. "Bosco we just got a call about a rape at this location!"  
  
"We did?"  
  
He's looking at me like I'm crazy again. "Bosco *you* just answered the call," Sully was annoyed. "Don't you remember?"  
  
"Oh, yeah. Yeah I remember." I try to shake it off as I climb out of the car. I'm on complete auto pilot. I have no recollection of answering the call. "Uh, where are we supposed to be going?"  
  
"Apartment 310."  
  
"Right...right." I start toward the building.  
  
"Bosco."  
  
"Huh?" I turn back to Sully.  
  
"You OK? You seem a little distant."  
  
"I'm fine. Let's just get this over with."  
  
We have to take this woman in to Mercy to get checked out. Maybe I can talk Sullivan in to just laying low at the hospital. My mind is wandering way too much, and with my luck I'll end up getting another partner killed.  
  
"Sully. Let's go see Davis."  
  
"I don't think he wants to see me."  
  
"Whaddaya mean?" I'm totally confused. Why wouldn't Davis want to see his partner? I'd wanna see Faith.  
  
"Long story."  
  
"Well I'll go see him. Where is he?" Sully gives me the room number, and I head up to see Ty while he hangs out in the ER for the lab stuff on the rape victim.  
  
"Yo Davis. How's it going?" I try to sound cheerful. I really hate hospitals, and worse yet is visiting a friend in the hospital. Especially another cop who may have been shot partly from my stupidity. If I hadn't egged on C-Note maybe they wouldn't have gone after the guy who shot his brother. Damn. Is this my fault too?!  
  
"About as well as it can be." Man he sounds tired.  
  
"Yeah. Sorry man."  
  
"Not your fault."  
  
If only he knew. I gotta think of something else to say to him, but I'm not real good in these situations. "Got me ridin' with Sullivan today."  
  
"You and Sully?"  
  
"Yeah, what a trip huh? He requested it."  
  
"You and Sully?"  
  
"I know. It's totally messed up." I smile, but it doesn't feel right. I shouldn't be happy, even for a second. Not after what happened yesterday.  
  
"Where's Faith today?"  
  
Aw man. Do I have to explain this? "She...uh, she killed a guy yesterday. So, she's got a few days off."  
  
"She doing OK?"  
  
"I don't know. Haven't really talked to her about it."  
  
"Maybe you should. It's not an easy thing to deal with for some people."  
  
"What the hell does that mean?! You think she's gonna crack?!"  
  
"Whoa Bos. Take it easy. I'm just saying, killing somebody...that's a big thing. You know?"  
  
"Yeah. I guess. Sorry." I gotta get outta here before I make a complete ass of myself. I can't believe I just jumped all over Davis like that. "I'm gonna take off. Just wanted to say hi."  
  
"Thanks. See ya."  
  
As I walk down to the ER all I can think about is what Davis said. Maybe I should go talk to Faith. She probably needs someone to talk to. I wonder if anyone told her about the possible investigation. If so I wonder who told her. I hope she's all right. I should really go see her. What time is it? My watch says 7:30. Damn it's going to be a long time til the shifts over. I don't think I can wait that long. I gotta get over there now.  
  
"Hey Sully."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I gotta go over to Faith's. You gonna come along for the ride or stay here?"  
  
"Bosco you can't go over there now. We still have like three hours left."  
  
"I'm going. With or without you. Which is it?"  
  
"We can't just up and go to Faith's in the middle of our shift."  
  
"Why are you so insistent on always going by the book?! I need to talk to Faith *now*! I'll be back to pick you up later."  
  
"Bosco! What are you going to tell Central?"  
  
"Nothing! We're at Mercy on a rape. Remember?! We're out of service!"  
  
Sully's giving me his "you're crazy" look again. It's really starting to piss me off. Can't he understand that I need to talk to my partner?  
  
I'm three blocks away from her apartment, and I have no idea what I'm going to say. How do you start a conversation like this?  
  
Hey Faith. Guess what. You might have killed two guys yesterday.  
  
Hey Faith. They think you shot Ross.  
  
Hey Faith. You probably killed my partner yesterday.  
  
Somehow I don't think any of those are appropriate. God I hate this! I hope someone else already told her. Though as much as I hate this I should be the one to tell her seeing we're as close as we are.  
  
The walk up to her apartment didn't take very long. Maybe this was a bad idea. I knock on the door before I have a chance to change my mind. Man I'm really nervous. I still don't know what I'm going to say. The door opens, and Faith is standing in front of me. She looks pretty good, though I can tell she hasn't slept much.  
  
"Bosco? What are you doing here?"  
  
I jam my hands in my jacket pockets. I can't look at her. "We need to talk."  
  
"You OK?"  
  
"Fine. Why do you always assume I'm not?!"  
  
"Habit I guess. Come on in."  
  
No turning back now. "Fred and the kids here?"  
  
"No, they're out."  
  
"Good." I start pacing back and forth in front of the couch because I'm not ready to talk yet.  
  
"So...who you riding with today?"  
  
"Sully." I don't trust myself with more than one word responses yet.  
  
She laughed. "You and Sully?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You and Sully?"  
  
"Why does everyone say that?!"  
  
"Cause Sully can't stand working with you."  
  
"Well, he's the one who requested it."  
  
"You're kidding?"  
  
"No." I'm still pacing.  
  
"Bosco would you stop. You're giving me motion sickness."  
  
I stop.  
  
"Bosco what's going on?"  
  
How do I tell her? I have no idea. I can't believe this is happening. Hasn't she been through enough? I never should have come here. But how do I leave now?  
  
"Bos?"  
  
I finally look at her. "Have you talked to Lieu since last night?"  
  
"No. Why? What's going on?"  
  
I take a deep breath. My heart is beating so fast it feels like it's going to jump out of my chest. Here it goes. "You might wanna sit for this."  
  
"Bosco quit stalling and tell me what the hell is going on!"  
  
"He called me into the office last night. Had me look at the diagram from the scene." I look down at the floor. I can't do this! It'll destroy her, and whatever is left of our relationship.  
  
"And?!"  
  
"It looks like...like you may have--" My mind is screaming at me to stop. I can't do it!  
  
"May have what?" I can see how nervous she is.  
  
"Shot Ross," I whisper.  
  
"What?!"  
  
The words begin pouring out of my mouth. "God Faith, I looked at that diagram for hours last night. I hardly slept, but I can't come up with another answer." I look at her, and I can see the tears in her eyes. My stomach is churning. This is making me sick. "It doesn't look good Faith."  
  
She sat down on the couch staring straight ahead. "I-I s-s-shot Ross?"  
  
"They aren't certain. The lab's backed up, so they don't have the ballistics report yet."  
  
I sit down by her. "Faith I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I thought it might be better if you heard if from me."  
  
She didn't look at me. She kept staring, but I could see the tears rolling down her face. I hate this. I hate seeing her cry. It makes me uncomfortable cause I don't know what to do. Usually when I'm on the job Faith is the one who takes care of the criers because we both know I suck at the compassion part of the job. And in my life I don't get too close to people, so I don't usually have to deal with emotions. Sure, I've seen Ma cry loads of times, and depending on the situation, seeing Ma cry either pisses me off or makes me wanna cry...not that I cry.  
  
Seeing Faith like this though...it kills me. I slowly reach over and put my arm around her. Then I pull her close to me. It feels weird holding her like this, but it also feels right.  
  
As we sit there I can hear the radio playing in the background. It's a song I've heard a hundred times, but never really *listened* to.  
  
I CAN'T BE LOSING SLEEP OVER THIS, NO I CAN'T AND NOW I CANNOT STOP PACING GIVE ME A FEW HOURS I'LL HAVE THIS ALL SORTED OUT IF MY MIND WOULD JUST STOP RACING CAUSE I CANNOT STAND STILL I CAN'T BE THIS UNSTURDY THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING THIS IS OVER MY HEAD BUT UNDERNEATH MY FEET CAUSE BY TOMORROW MORNING I'LL HAVE THIS THING BEAT AND EVERYTHING WILL BE BACK TO THE WAY THAT IT WAS I WISH THAT IT WAS JUST THAT EASY CAUSE I'M WAITING FOR TONIGHT THEN WAITING FOR TOMORROW AND I'M SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN WHAT IS REAL AND JUST A DREAM WHAT IS REAL AND JUST A DREAM WHAT IS REAL AND JUST A DREAM WOULD YOU CATCH ME IF I FALL OUT OF WHAT I FELL IN DON'T BE SURPRISED IF I COLLAPSE DOWN AT YOUR FEET AGAIN I DON'T WANT TO RUN AWAY FROM THIS I KNOW THAT I JUST DON'T NEED THIS CAUSE I CANNOT STAND STILL I CAN'T BE THIS UNSTURDY THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING WHAT IS REAL AND JUST A DREAM  
  
  
A tear falls from my eye, and I wipe it away. I can't cry! Not here. Not now. "Faith, look at me," I say softly. "Please. Look at me."  
  
She finally looks my way. "Remember last night when you asked if we were OK?" She nods. "We're more than OK. I just wanted you to know that."  
  
Faith wipes the tears from her eyes. "Thanks Bos."  
  
I move slightly so that the two of us aren't sitting so close. "This is all my fault Faith."  
  
God, everything I touch lately...  
  
  
****  
The song is "Somewhere In Between" by Lifehouse, and is on their "No Name Face" album. It's a really good album if you don't have it I recommend getting it :o)  
  
Sorry the song appears in ALL CAPS, I decided to save some time, and just cut and paste it from the internet, and that's how it came :o) 


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